Designer Drugs

by Kyle Flemmer

These days, it’s hard to keep it up.
Calvin Klein runs fingers up my spine from a superhighway billboard sign,
Whispering in my ear:
“Go on the Paleo South Beach Grapefruit diet.”
Mail-order Jenny Craig meal plans and canned banana smoothies keep me
Gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, fat-free, cruelty-free and high on amphetamines
For the whole month of May
(Nothing burns calories like a crack pipe).
I lost weight like Mathew McConaughey and
You can count on my ribs like an abacus.
Summer’s coming and I need that beached whale body,
So I switched to tickled pink goo McDonald’s golden nuggets,
Snorting cheesy Dorito angel dust like
Fuck it, I’ll live forever, in spite of what Seneca says.
He’s dead and he obviously never Supersized it.
Cosmo Body Issues, hot off the press – they read:
Blue is the green is the white is the rouge is the new black,
So you best go shopping–
Not that poor person window kind of shopping,
But the moneyed-up card in hand impulse kind of shopping,
Cramming the trunk of your Porche full of Tiffany’s kind of shopping,
Because you deserve it, you know you do, you beautiful bitch,
And you best know these 33 techniques to blow your man… away.
Dr. Pepper called, your results are in,
A little malnourished and little under-Photoshopped.
Maybe it’s this harsh lighting – I’ll apply a filter
To my mouth and to this picture of my cat in a bowler hat.
Très chic.
My Tumblr fans are, like, lovin’ it.
Then I, like, reblogged a hedgehog in the bath.
It’s the cutest thing you’ve never seen,
Unless you have a smartass Galaxy and follow my feed.
They say greed is a sin, but I can’t imagine my life without all this stuff.
I can’t imagine what the neighbors would think if they looked into my front window
And could not spot an Ikea solution to living.
So this is the final solution:
Fill the void with sugar and plastic.
Fill it with booze and autographed baseball cards.
Fill it with Seinfeld re-runs and re-runs of Seinfeld re-runs and
The entire bottle of Viagra–
‘Cause the world never stops spinning,
And these days, it’s hard to keep it up.


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Dorito Hangover is "Out of Print" from The Blasted Tree Store.


Founder, Editor in Chief, Author


Featured by The Blasted Tree: August 26, 2014

Written for and performed at Calgary's Ink Spot Collective Poetry Slam, May 26, 2014.

Dorito Hangover by Kyle Flemmer is a Blasted Tree original collection of poetry.

ISBN [Digital]: 978-0-9939300-5-8

Cover Design by Kyle Flemmer - Cover Image by Marcin Rybarczyk

Feature Image by Steve Knight